What You Pay with your Heart and Guts

I slide the credit card through the slim slot
like I force my body through the tiny hole of lies
every time I spend too much,
give too much,
or overstay a situation too long.
I need to take that credit card and rip it up,
so I have no debt or obligation
like I need to close the door tight
when I am done with a phase
or deal, or relationship..
When it is over...it is over....
I need to know that.
And when a credit card doesn't serve to delight,
but causes fear and stress
my heart needs to close tight,
just like my wallet when the thing I am buying,
or the time I am spending
doesn't work f or me anymore
sucks me dry until there is only a morsel of a tear left
that I can barely feel on my cheek...
I pay the price with every breath
when I don't move on..
when I don't follow my dream
to the back doors of Broadway theaters
concerts, art, Monets and Picassos
I need to dive into the ocean
allow myself to drift to another continent
or I will pay with my afterlife
and have to come back and do this over and over
until I know to stop buying and paying
for things that mean nothing to me
so I need to eat the lava of the volcano
swallow it whole and stop, just stop it
stop doing what I don't want to do
the anxiety and panic of paying for nothing,
satisfaction not guaranteed..
when I was young I wanted to travel the world,
I wanted to be an actress
have one Italian affair after another
with young muscular, self endowed men....
when I don't live up to my imagination,
then I am left under the covers, shivering, empty and cold.